that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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