Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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