so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
