peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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