shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
