I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I did not marry a roomba.
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