Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
