Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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