champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
