if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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