i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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