Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
