i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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