Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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