I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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