I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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