Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
