Got a toothbrush?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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