you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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