Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
