Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
