I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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