i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
