Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
