you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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