I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The feeling are messing with the penis
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
