She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize