Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
