i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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