Apparently you make a good broom.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
