I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
