also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
