If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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