I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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