How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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