You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
