I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
