I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
