yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
