I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
