If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pants are for mortals
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
