Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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