she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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