just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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