Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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