this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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