my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
