You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
