so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
