you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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