He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
