I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
