i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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