i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
