The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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