if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
