There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Your penis caused this!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
