Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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