i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
