I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize