I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
