Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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