peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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