We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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